Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
