Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Randomize
