Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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