is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
