Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
