don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
