Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
