You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
