I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
