Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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