Princesses don't give blow jobs
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
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Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
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We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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