Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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