my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
