I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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