I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
it's like heaven, but drunker
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
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I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
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I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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