Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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