he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
