Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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