actually, I'm a sock model
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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