I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
