when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
