He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
