dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
