i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
