dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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