Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
