Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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