I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
