I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
