Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
