I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
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He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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