i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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