Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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