God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
