Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Less talking, more tequila
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
