dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
