Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
