my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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