Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
