when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
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happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
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My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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