She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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