The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
