i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
