youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
