my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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