I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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