I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
