Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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