Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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