i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
