I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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