maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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