I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
