That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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