Your mouth is God's brothel.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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