I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
