My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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