saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.