never play flip cup with pint glasses
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me