Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
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Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
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I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"