Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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