Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
im on a boat
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