the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
